The Mourning, l'Amour and Amigo Express
by Manibarilo
Summary: The need to mourn, a banal meeting that changes everything and a never ending friendship. It's with the heart heavy that Alec decides to have a road trip from Manhattan to San Francisco. In this journey to heal himself, he meets a certain Magnus Bane. Could that man be the catalyst he needs to finally be at peace with himself? AU/AH Malec romance and slight Jalec friendship
1. From Manhattan to Washington DC

Chapter 1: From Manhattan to Washington DC

* * *

'' Where are you going?'' asked Isabelle Lightwood to her brother.

Her voice was inquiring, but also filled with cautiousness. It always seemed that way now – cautious – whenever she spoke to him. Izzy was right to do so though, as everything seemed to set him off these last few days.

More accurately, since seven days ago.

Shaking the thought out of his head, Alec focused on the shirt he was folding, not looking at her. He didn't have to look to know that she was still wearing her black clothes, just like him, that she had shadows under her eyes, just like him, and that she had tears stains on her cheeks, just like him. His sister was suffering too, maybe not at the same level but still. The eldest one had to remind himself of that before he answered her; otherwise, his voice would be as sharp as the shards of his heart and he didn't want to hurt her.

'' San Francisco.'' he simply answered, zipping his bag. He really didn't need a lot. It wasn't like it would be a long trip anyway, just the time to go there and back.

'' Really? When?'' Izzy asked, incredulity laced in her tone. Even if he was pointedly not looking at her, he was ready to bet she had an eyebrow quirked up in her signature 'elaborate and don't you dare lie to me' expression.

He placed the luggage on the ground before slumping on the bed. '' Tomorrow morning.'' he simply said and even to him, he sounded tired.

Alec heard her footsteps approaching him, but still kept his gaze steadily on his joined hands. He felt it in the dipping of his bed when she sat besides him and his stomach knotted with stress. He knew of his sister's sadness, he was pretty aware of it, and if she asked him to stay, he would. Even if he wanted – no, needed – to go to maybe heal, the young man would stay if she said the words.

So he tensed, waiting for his sister to speak.

Joining her hands to his, Isabelle leaned on his shoulder and sighed. '' Okay. I know you need it. I'll tell mother and father only when I'll know you'll be far.''

It was a mixture of affection and guilt that pooled in Alec when the words made their way in his mind. His shoulders relaxed and his breathing became slightly easier again. She was letting him do this, so soon after they just had lost... well, a brother. But then how had he dared to doubt, it was his sister that he was talking to. She understood his grief more than anyone.

In gratitude, he squeezed her hands in between his.

'' Just tell me one thing...'' she trailed off. For the first time, Alec glanced up at her, meeting her onyx eyes that shined with old tears and actual worry. '' Will you be alone?''

Just as she asked, the eldest Lightwood's phone chimed. Not leaving Izzy's side he extended his hand to grab the device and looked at his notifications. He had received a new mail. Or more accurately six new e-mails, and all from the same sender: 'Amigo Express'. It could only mean one thing.

'' Not anymore.'' Alec answered to his sister while opening briefly the few mails he had. '' Seems like a certain 'Magnus Bane' registered to six of my seven trips.''

Amigo Express was a web site that promoted car pooling for long distances. A driver – like Alec – could register the date, hour and destination he was going and allow a certain number of passengers, for a small fee, to ride with him. Being the poor student he was, the young-man really couldn't afford travelling to the west coast and back without some financial help; hence, why he had subscribed there. Yet, being the introvert he was, he had only opened one place for each stops. One stranger in his car all day long was enough. It could have been a different person each time, he didn't care.

And now it seemed like that 'Magnus' had taken the spot for each stops, starting at Manhattan and ending at Los Angeles.

'' Let's hope you get along with him then.'' softly smiled Isabelle, looking over his shoulder at the screen too. Even in the darkness of the room, she had clear signs of relief on her features. Surely the idea of her brother not being left alone on the road with a grieving heart was reassuring.

Giving one last squeeze to their intertwined hands, Isabelle got up and headed out. She had had all the answers she wanted, understood the reason for his weird behaviour at the funerals earlier – one did not plan to leave in the early morning without telling anyone with ease – and was now reassured. Though before leaving, she turned around, her silhouette dark and bold against the light that entered the room from the corridor, and said one last thing:

'' Do call from time to time.'' she said in an almost casual tone. The undertone was clear though, this wasn't just a suggestion, it was an order.

The door closed in a soft 'click' and Alec was now left alone in his poorly lit room.

Rapidly, he prepared himself to go to bed. 'It was late', 'he was tired', 'he had to get up early tomorrow' were all good enough reasons he told himself to justify that he was going to bed at 8:15 pm. Today's funerals really had drained all his energy, not that he'd had a lot to begin with. Ever since... 'he' died, Alec felt like a constant weight had been placed over his shoulders. The feeling had only worsened when he had seen the jar of ashes today right besides the lively picture of -

 _'Stop!'_ he told himself, shutting his blue eyes tight. Alec could still lure himself into thinking that it was just a bad dream, a terrible joke...

Lying down under his covers, he placed his cellphone back on his bedside table, right over an old folded piece of paper. That little piece of paper was the reason he was going to San Francisco, He had to do this. It was maybe the only way he could ever hope heal from the pain he was feeling in his soul.

And it would all start tomorrow morning when he would meet up with that Magnus Bane...

* * *

6'o clock saw Alec waiting right in front of the American Museum of Natural History. Leaning on the driver's side of his car, the young man had his eyes closed, breathing in the morning air of the city. Inhaling the not yet warmed by the sun air and exhaling warm white puffs out of him. Simple motions that calmed him a bit. Already all around him, people were moving, passing by him as quickly as the spring breeze. A tornado of different person, each minding their own business, yet somehow at the same place at the same moment.

He felt so disconnected.

Bringing him back to reality, he heard the sound of small wheels rolling, nearing him. Opening his blue eyes to the world again, he glanced toward the sound and saw a guy with what looked like a big travelling suitcase. He most have been twenty-two, not that much older than Alec, and had black hair. Those were the only similar traits. Exotic, he bore the skin colour and shape of eyes of someone from the extreme east. Colourfully clothed, his smile seemed easy, almost flirty, and he walked with assurance. Even if he didn't know where he was going, confidence followed the guy like a shadow.

Coming to a stop right in front of Alec, he raised his eyebrows, making his green eyes shine in questioning. '' Alexander Lightwood from Amigo Express?'' he asked.

'' Hum, yeah.'' quickly confirmed Alec, rising from his leaned position. Extending a hand as any polite person would, he quickly amended: '' But it's just Alec.''

The guy took his hand and shook it. '' Magnus Bane.'' he declared, but Alec had already presumed so. Still, something clenched in him when he heard the confirmation. He would have to travel the whole country alone with that handsome guy by his side? How could it become anymore awkward? Oh yeah, by adding the fact he was doing this to mourn over someone.

How pleasant.

Shaking the thought out of his head, Alec focused back on the present. '' I-I'll help you with this.'' he said, nodding at the others' luggage while extending a hand to take it.

Magnus only smiled, letting him do. '' My, my, such a gentlemen. Thank you.'' he said, sending a wink. The guy then walked toward the passenger seat and took place.

Once everything was set, Alec returned to his driver seat. Maybe 6 am was considered early for others, because in the short time it had taken him to place Magnus' luggage in the trunk of his car and come back, the guy was already asleep curled up against the window. At least he had his seat belt on. Managing the tiniest of smiles – he didn't have the heart to smile, but that sight was forcefully inducing one on his lips - the blue-eyed young man started the engine.

First stop would be Washington DC.

* * *

The sun was now high in the morning sky, illuminating the grey road and trees here and there that were planted on its side. The radio was playing so softly, one would have to strain its ear to hear it. It was just white noise and the channels were limited. In an hour they would enter the urban landscape of Washington. It was only then that Alec noticed from the corner of his eye that his passenger was fidgeting, awaking.

Indeed it wasn't long before Magnus yawned, stretching from his ball position he had kept for the whole three hours he had slept through. At first, his complete immobility had worried the blue-eyed young man. Yet when the light snoring had filled the silence, it only reminded him of how his younger brother Max can sleep everywhere. Like cats, they just had to settle in a position and they could doze off through anything.

Secretly, Alec found that adorable.

'' Good morning.'' said Magnus straightening in his seat. '' It's still morning, right?''

'' Washington is not that far from New York, yes it is still morning.'' answered flatly the Lightwood boy. Then he added in a shy tone. '' Good morning to you too.''

Laughing a bit, Magnus shook his head as he tried to place his dishevelled hair back in order. '' Sorry I wasn't such good company. I am not an early bird.''

'' It's alright. But... you do know that all of my departs are early, right?'' asked Alec, sending a questioning sideways glance toward the other.

Groaning, Magnus hid his face in his hands. '' I know! Why do you hate me so much?'' he exclaimed, surprising the driver.

'' W-what? I, I don't... Well, you know.'' began Alec, confused. His joint were white from his tight clutching on the wheel. He didn't hate him, the guy hadn't done anything for that. He was even pleasant to look at, so why was he thinking that Alec hated him?

Bursting into laughter, Magnus smiled at him. '' Don't look so troubled, I am kidding.'' he said, and relief filled Alec, relaxing his hold on the wheel. '' I know we will depart early everyday, but I'll manage. Anyway, with blue-eyes like yours, I think I have the perfect incentive.''

'' Hum...'' was the only noise that could answer him.

Blushing hard, Alec was feeling more and more destabilized. What should he say:

'Thank you'?

'I am sorry'?

'Really?'?

'You too.'?

'Stop kidding with me'?

He couldn't choose and he was pretty sure some of the things he had come up with were not really coherent.

Thankfully, he didn't have to come up with an answer. Magnus continued the conversation as if nothing happened. '' So, tell me, Alexander, why San Francisco?'' he asked with an absent-minded tone, his attention all on the content of the glove box in front of him. '' You don't mind if I check your CD, right?''

'' No, go ahead.'' Alec softly said.

It was the only thing he had the time to say before his throat knotted and his head started to get dizzy. Already the awkward part he was dreading? The blue-eyed young man should have expected that question, they were two strangers with the common goal of their destination. Still, he wasn't ready to think about it, never mind that he would never be ready to think about it. As if it was the heaviest object in the world, Alec was now overly conscious of that small folded piece of paper in his pocket. He could feel a rogue tear trying to escape him, but no, he wouldn't have it. Wiping it away with rage, he could feel the sorrow induced headache that was attacking him.

Witnessing his inner turmoil, Magnus had stopped his music analysis and was now looking at him. His green eyes were filled with worry and confusion, but he must have felt Alec's discomfort as he lost his easy smile.

'' You are okay?'' asked the latter, his voice sincere and concerned.

Alec only nodded, taking a deep breath. Breathing helped, even if he always felt like he was on the verge of suffocating. Then, taking one of his shaky hands off the wheel, he took out the folded paper he had in his pocket to show it.

'' This... this is why I am going to San Francisco.'' breathed out Alec. He appreciated the fact that Magnus did not try to take it and see. He simply waited for Alec to tell him about it or to allow him to take it.

'' What is it?'' simply asked the other.

'' It's a list of things my... my b-brother and I wanted to do when we would go there.'' said the blue-eyed young man, his voice breaking when he mentioned his brother.

Placing the paper back to its pocket, he cursed his weak voice. Why was he left so broken at the mere thought of him? Maybe because now that he was officially on the road, he couldn't deny his brother's death anymore. Because now, talking about him to Magnus made it surreal yet too real at the same time.

'' Your brother?'' softly said the latter.

'' I... He passed away.'' added Alec, clutching at the wheel again to at least keep himself steady. Even if he hated it, he would have to admit it. And maybe somewhere deep down it did him good to talk about it. '' So I want to do everything on our list.. for him, you know?''

There was a moment of silence that Alec didn't even notice, to focused on keeping his eyes on the road. He slowed down a bit, just for safety purpose.

'' What was his name?'' asked Magnus again. Feeling Alec's uneasiness, he added: '' I am sorry for your loss, but if you are doing this for him, I think it would do you good to say his name.''

 _'No...'_ whined in his thought Alec.

He really didn't want to say it. He didn't want to admit it. But Magnus was right it would be better for him to start somewhere. Did it have to be so soon?

The weight in his chest and the pressure in his head just seemed to worsened.

'' His name was... It was... It's Jace Herondale.'' finally spilled out Alec, but it was just so hard. He couldn't even use the past tense. Still, even if his throat constricted at it, the name felt so familiar, so right in his mouth. He really missed calling it out. '' Jace.'' he repeated in a lower tone, just because even if it hurt, it felt so good too.

He didn't know how much time he spent silent, but a soft voice brought him back. '' He doesn't share the same family name as you.'' noticed Magnus.

'' Well, he wasn't my brother per say. We adopted him officially, but we don't share the same blood. No he was more than than, more than a brother, more than a friend just... more.'' tried to explain the blue-eyed young man.

 _'How to define Jace?''_ he wondered, because really his friend was quite the complex being.

To everyone, he was like a lion. Majestic, but ferocious, determined and charismatic. To his closer circle, he was a rose, beautiful and loved but with thorns that didn't hurt if you were aware of them. To Alec, he was like a flame; alluring and strong, he could burn away all of the blue-eyed's worries like he could inflict those painful burnt wounds, yet like the flames of a candle, he was fleeting too, and in need of protection.

 _'And you weren't even there-'_

'' More? Like a boyfriend then?'' asked Magnus, interrupting Alec's mind. Good thing too, because they were heading a direction he would like to avoid. A direction that would have led him to pull over and take a break.

Glancing at his passenger, he saw an intense curiosity in the others' features, as if he was particularly interested in the answer. '' No.'' he said, shaking his head vehemently. '' No one understands, it's like... Well, he was like the lithium cation to my fluoride anion.''

Their was a small pause before a laugh escaped Magnus' lips lightening the atmosphere. '' You talking science to me is endearing, really. But if I want to understand what you are trying to say, I'll need a translation.'' leisurely smiled the other.

 _'Endearing?'_

Feeling suddenly hot, Alec sighed of amused relief. Of course he had to switch into his scientific self when he was embarrassed – not like it would save him from embarrassment anyway. '' It means we are hardly separable, because the ionic link is one of the strongest link right after metallic-'' he began to interrupt himself.

Why was he saying that again? Oh, yeah, to clear off that he doesn't have a boyfriend, that Jace was not his boyfriend. '' Well, it doesn't mean I can't make other link. There is molten salt that adds beryllium to the lithium fluoride compound...''

From the half-confused, half-amused glance he was having, Alec was pretty sure it wasn't helping. _'Try again without chemistry.'_ he told himself.

'' What I mean is no, I don't. Not don't want, but just don't have a boyfriend. Yeah that. So, can we talk about something else.?'' he muttered, feeling warm in the face.

 _'Smooth, Lightwood.'_ he thought, as he opened the window at his left. The gust of wind had a relaxing effect on him as he could breathe better. At least, with all his flustering, the headache had ceased and the lump in his throat disappeared.

Daring a glance at his right, he saw green eyes filled with amusement and an ail too pleased smile. At least someone was enjoying his communication skills.

'' Sure, so what is the first thing on your list?'' said Magnus finally deciding on the CD he wanted to listen.

As the other was putting the CD in the player, Alec caught a glimpse of it. He wasn't surprise to see it was an indie group. With the sight of Washington nearing in front of them and the cool breeze coming in from the opened window, the jumpy notes of the guitar managed to clear the atmosphere even more.

'' Jace has a knack for history and war and weapons in general... No, he isn't a psycho!'' exclaimed Alec, feeling suddenly defensive at Magnus' stare. '' So we wanted to go to the Navy Cold War Gallery, then the Spy Museum to finish with the African American Civil War Museum.''

'' Wow that is a lot of museum in one day.'' said Magnus after he'd whistled his surprise.

'' Well, it wasn't supposed to be a one day trip, but I can't really afford longer all by myself...'' he regretfully murmured. Normally, he would have shared the fee with his friend. They could-

'' Ah, but such is the hardship of a... chemistry student?'' teased Magnus with a grin. Again he had interrupted some dangerous musing, and Alec couldn't have been more grateful.

Even though the gratefulness, blue eyes scowled at him. '' Chemical engineering actually.'' he stated with a false tone of indignation. Just as he said that though, Alec realized that Magnus had had the upper hand in their conversation. He had shared about a lot – more than he would have thought for the first day – but didn't really know anything in exchange. He wasn't regretting, the green-eyed guy had been a good listener, but it hardly seemed fair. '' What about you?''

'' A minor in photo-journalism and a major in sociology.'' simply shrugged Magnus. '' Nothing as fancy as science.''

'' Science is not superior.'' quickly snapped Alec. Taking a deep breath, he calmed himself a bit. '' Sorry, it's just... So many people seems to think that you won't have a job if you don't go in science.''

'' Or into business.'' continued on the same tone as him Magnus. His grin seemed a bit more forced now. '' I know, my parent didn't like me going into photography.'' he sighed more to himself then. The blue-eyed young man was under the impression that he wasn't meant to hear that. '' Anyway, can I come with you?''

 _'What? Where?'_ asked himself Alec before echoing his thoughts. '' What? Where?''

'' The museums, Alexander.''

'' Oh.'' only said Alec, thinking as he was parking his car. It was eleven now, they had reached their destination of the day, the Navy Cold War Gallery. Technically, until tomorrow at five am, he didn't have any obligation toward Magnus.

Nevertheless, did he appreciate the others' company? Yes. Did he want to do this alone? No. Would Jace be mad if he went with someone else?

' _Would he?_ _'_

'' You know, if it's something you have to do alone, I can understand.'' said Magnus, as Alec was still caught in his thought. He then got out of the car to go search his luggage.

His heart pounding fast, the blue-eyed New Yorker quickly followed. Was he mad? Should he apologize? Help him with his luggage and say nothing? When he reached the other guy, Alec didn't even have time to do any of these.

'' If you are free for supper.'' began Magnus writing on a small paper with a blue pen that he had probably grabbed from his bag. '' Here is my number Call me.''

Slowly taking the paper, Alec looked at it, not knowing what to do. Turning his startled blue eyes up, he saw that Magnus had already gone, walking away. He knew he would see him tomorrow, he was his 'amigo express' after all, but still he felt bad and a bit disappointed to see him leave.

Taking out his phone, he immediately opened his text app.

* * *

From: Alec Lightwood

To: Magnus Bane

Message (sent at 11h:07am): 150 State Rte 31 N, Washington, NJ, The Royal Diner at 6?

* * *

The silhouette of Magnus stopped in his track, got his cellphone out and swiftly turned toward Alec. Even from the distance that was separating them, he could see the brightness of the smile.

* * *

From: Magnus Bane

To: Alexander Lightwood

Message (sent at 11h:08am): The Royal Diner? Fan of 'Bones'?

* * *

Alec let out a small scoff, thinking about all those hours – more like days - Jace and him had had spent watching season to last season on his computer.

* * *

From: Alec Lightwood

To: Magnus Bane

Message (sent at 11h:10am) You are forbidden to call me 'Electron' or something

* * *

From: Magnus Bane

To: Alexander Lightwood

Message (sent at 11h:11am): Don't worry, when I'll give you a nickname, it will be much more original than 'electron'

* * *

Rolling his eyes, Alec placed his phone back in his pocket. Doing so, his hand brushed against the folded list. With Magnus away, his heart grew heavy again.

He felt alone, yet too surrounded too. He felt like everyone around him – all those strangers just walking by – were too many and like he didn't belong to the mass. A woman and her child passed by him and an irrational anger flared in him.

The blue-eyed young man just wanted to be left alone, he felt so jealous of those who weren't.

Turning toward the gallery, he sighed under his breath: '' So tell me, Jace. What is the story behind this one?''

* * *

 **Disclaimer: Characters do not belong to me, thank you google maps** **for the information on America's geography** **,** **I do not own Amigo Express neither** **,** **n** **or any popular culture thing I may have mentioned** **or will be mentioning** **.**

 **All this was inspired by the song 'Rest Calm' by Nightwish.**


	2. From Washington DC to Nashville TN

**The problem with a road trip fic it's that it is a LOT of dialogue. Hope you are not bored (I swear it is the only chapter with car only interaction), entertainment is my mission. Anyway, thank you for your supporting words, the source of my motivation really, lilypotter72, linlaverynz, The High Warlock of Glitter and TattleTales.**

 **Because of some medical reasons, updates to all my stories shall be slower than what I used to. My eyesight is not really getting better right now, so looking at the screen is hard. Just a fair warning that I am not abandoning anything, alright?**

 **Otherwise: Enjoy!**

* * *

From Washington DC to Nashville

* * *

A shroud of grey and a messy blur, the sun was barely even present, a morning dew rising with it; the picture of early hours in Washington. His forehead pressed against the cold glass, looking through his ghostly reflection, but his eyes unfocused on anything, Alec was simply waiting. Waiting for what? Waiting for who? Sometimes he wondered himself, other times he would just assumed he was waiting for the clock to hit 5.

At 5 am, he would meet up with Magnus for the next Amigo Express trip.

Sleep had evaded him at around 4'O clock in the morning, leaving him with his restless thoughts for a whole hour. For that time, Alec had decided to turn on the TV to a random news channel – for the sake of white noise - and sit on the ledge of the window. Losing himself in the contemplation of the not so wonderful motel's outdoor parking, he was playing with his cellphone.

Waiting, that seemed as if that was the only thing he was doing for the past week.

Pressing his forehead on the cold window, Alec closed his eyes. He barely shivered at the contact. So tired, everything felt so dull. Even the memory of yesterday's supper with Magnus. To say that he had felt such diversity of emotions. Now he could only remember it with detachment.

Raising his phone, he called the only number he had on speed dial. He was met with long ringing before a voice finally said:

'' You have reached Jace Herondale Lightwood's voice mail. Leave a message.'' quickly followed by an automatic voice. '' _After your message just hang up or press square for more options._ ''

Alec knew he was putting salt on his wound, but still after the beep he sighed.

'' Hey, it's me... I, huh, I made it to our first destination. I have also been to those museums. You would like it. Lots of history, war heroes, human rights and stuff... I-I know it doesn't sound clear, but you know... History always bored me.''

The blue-eyed young man paused, trying to remember how to breath.

'' I met someone too. He, well I invited him to that restaurant. Let me tell you it looks nothing like we thought...''

* * *

The Royal Palace looked nothing like what Alec would have thought. It was a small on-the-go place that smelled like fried food and ketchup. A classic American fast-food. Not that there was anything wrong with that.

He just hoped Magnus wouldn't mind too much accompanying him in a fast food instead of taking advantage of the fact they were in Washington and could enjoy any maybe better and more local restaurant.

The young man's head was still filled with images of weapons, of historical facts, of human misery and wars. Completely distracted. His chest was heavy with the feeling that Jace would have loved this. Almost regretful. And with all that, Alec didn't notice that Magnus was already there.

'' Well someone looks deep in his thought.'' said a voice right besides him, startling him.

'' Magnus.''

'' And he is back on earth.'' smiled the aforementioned guy. '' I have taken the liberty to choose a place near the window.'' he said before heading to said table in a clear ' I'll wait for you' sign.

Letting a small smile pull the corners of his lips, Alec bought for himself a sandwich before joining Magnus.

'' You are here.'' he told him, still pleased and surprised that Magnus had shown up.

'' As I told you.''

'' No, I mean you came.'' clarified Alec.

'' Of course.'' smiled Magnus, as if it was obvious. '' So tell me how was your day.''

The blue-eyed one sighed. '' I would like to tell you how interesting what I saw was, I am sure Jace would love this, but...''

'' You were bored.'' understood the other, smiling in amusement.

'' I wish I loved museums, but history always bored me out of my mind.'' stated Alec in exasperation. Seeing the mirth in Magnus' eyes though, he decided to exaggerate just a little bit more. '' It's a miracle I never slept during one of my class back in high school.''

'' Oh please, you look too much like a good kid to even try to make me believe that you could sleep during your classes.'' scoffed Magnus, not believing for a second Alec could have slept trough a class.

Well, he would be surprised.

'' Oh, you weren't in my literature class.'' said Alec, insinuating that yes he did.

What he wasn't prepare for was the fire of passion his answer ignited.

'' What? But literature is like the one of the best class there is. You get to read classics that shaped modern literature and are meant to develop a sense of critic of texts, stories and how they fit in their timeline. If you put your heart and attention, you'll see how mind opening that class is. So many social changes were made because of critics in the literature. You can't deny how words have the power to touch one's soul.''

Alec could sense how that topic was a passionate one for Magnus. In a sense, it reminded him of Jace, how he was - ' _is, how he is'_ inwardly cringed Alec – with books, reading everything from political essays to fantasy. Old manuscripts, poetry from three generations ago, recently published YA, everything was good to Jace, everything had something worth being read and criticized.

Looking back at those green eyes in front of him, the Lightwood boy was thrown back in a sense of familiarity that he craved so much. For a moment it was gold that his blue eyes were meeting.

'' Really?'' softly asked Alec, just so that the other could continue.

And it was enough for Magnus to continue his talk. '' Yes really. Look at George Sand, how she wrote for woman's rights. Or even the infamous 'To kill a mockingbird' how it was set in a time when it was unthinkable for Black people to have as much rights as Whites. Look at-''

'' Sure, reading is mind-broadening, Jace, but those classes, being taught how to think, it just doesn't...'' began Alec, but his own argument died down on his tongue as he saw the look of surprise into those green eyes.

Green not golden.

 _' Jace isn't there._ '

'' I am sorry, Magnus. I didn't...'' began the blue-eyed young man, but interrupted himself, not knowing what to say. He had been thrown in a too familiar arguments and hadn't been cautious. He was afraid that he had hurt Magnus. But how could he know if he did?

Hurt. Was it something one read in silence? Something hidden behind eyes widened as if surprised? A feeling that locked inside words that wanted to be out?

'' It's alright.'' reassured Magnus, but didn't continue their conversation further. Instead, he asked: '' Was literature also something Jace liked?''

A nod was the only answer he had as Alec felt uneasy still.

'' Is everything on your list... Jace's ideas?'' asked again Magnus.

This time he shook his head in a 'no'. Then he added: '' It's a mixture of both our ideas, some are his, some are mines, others were decided together.''

They fell silent for a moment, and Alec tried to ask a question, so he could break the tension a bit.

'' You never told me why you were going to Los Angeles.''

'' What?'' asked Magnus, quirking his eyebrows up.

'' Los Angeles. it is your last destination with me, so unless you go somewhere else with... someone else after, it must be your last end goal... right?'' he tried, exposing his reasoning, but feeling like he was rambling.

'' Oh yeah.'' simply sighed Magnus, passing a hand in his hair. Was he nervous? '' I am going there to see my girlfriend.''

Warmth raised in his cheeks and he felt confused. 'A girlfriend.' he repeated in his mind, a bit stunned. It really showed how barely he knew the guy in front of him.

Why was he feeling disappointed? He wasn't there for that anyway. He-

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand on his and Magnus voice saying: '' I need to talk to her in person. To break up with her. I owe her that.''

Ant the small stab of disappointment he had felt earlier were replaced by a sneaky wave of hope. But again the same questioning. Why was he feeling hopeful? Why was the contact of Magnus' hand over his making his skin tingle? He wasn't there for that-

And Alec himself interrupted his thoughts, answering to his inner questions. '' I didn't know a simple contact could raise the level of serotonin one felt.''

'' Serotonin? Is that good.'' smiled Magnus, still amused by Alec's chemistry talk.

But the latter couldn't answer, he was feeling just so confused... So warm, so dizzy. And then Magnus' hand wasn't on his anymore and thinking became slightly easier. Blushing as an after-effect of Magnus, he asked:

'' W-what was the question again?''

Magnus beamed. '' Doesn't matter, I'll google it.'' Then he changed subject. '' Say, do you think your hotel has vacancy? I need to find a place where to sleep tonight?''

'' We can go check if you want.'' answered Alec, getting up. He looked at his half-eaten sandwich, but couldn't think of finishing it anyway. Magnus seemed to have finished too as he also got up. '' Haven't you reserved before hand?''

The green-eyed one shrugged. '' Do you remember how much time in advance I have reserved your lift? Let's say it was a pretty spontaneous decision to depart toward LA.''

The Lightwood boy remembered that indeed, he had received those e-mails barely twelve hours before the actual depart.

They both got in the car and headed toward the hotel. Lucky as he was, Magnus did find a room and they each went their way. Though before he went toward his room, Alec spun around.

'' Magnus! W-what is your favourite book?'' he asked.

Maybe it was a way for him to tell Magnus that he really wanted to talk book with him, that it wasn't just because of Jace, that he was interested into what he said. Nevertheless, he was sincere in his curiosity.

Magnus turned toward him, slightly taken aback, before softly smiling with slyness. '' It depends on the moment but right now I would say 'The Rosie Project'.''

* * *

Alec wasn't a sentimental, and not one to just expose his feelings like that. Not even to Jace. So he did the only logical thing one did when he left a message he didn't want to be registered, he pressed square.

'' _Square selected. To send this message, press '1'. To hear this message again press '2'. To redo the message, press '3'. To delete press the '*'.''_

The '*' was pressed and his message deleted. It was now what it should be, a memory kept in the privacy of his own mind.

Glancing at the clock, he saw he had five minute to meet Magnus at the parking downstairs. Getting up, he grabbed his bag, surveyed the room for any lost objects and headed out. Nashville, their next destination was 10 hours away from here, that if they didn't stop. Alec judged they would arrive at 9 in the evening, making it a long day driving.

It was the longest trip on his list. It was also going to be on of the hardest he believed. Ten hours of thinking and regretting Jace's presence.

At least up until now the company has been good.

* * *

Alec would get used to it if it was going to be like that every morning. Seconds after they had met at the car, the parking not even left, Magnus had fallen asleep on his seat. Curled in a ball on the window, he seemed such in a deep slumber.

And he tried everything to be sure to not wake him up. Rolling smoothly, the radio barely audible, his effort were seemingly successful until...

His cellphone rang.

Quickly getting it out of his pocket he accepted the call when he saw the name. Normally, he would have shut everyone. Yet that name, he knew it would be worse if he didn't answer it.

'' Hey Iz. I am on the road so you are on speakerphone right now.'' he whispered as a greeting, his phone placed on his lap.

'' Hi Alec. Is Magnus with you?'' answered his sister, with her voice low too. She was good at picking up unsaid hints.

Glancing sideways, Alec said: '' Asleep, but yeah.''

'' Asleep? But it's like 7 am already.'' she said, her voice incredulous.

'' Yeah, he seems to belong to the kind that sleeps till at least 10.'' said the eldest Lightwood, surprising a certain fondness in his own voice.

She sighed. '' I don't know how they do it.''

Alec could only scoff in agreement.

'' Anyway that was not why I was calling.'' stated Isabelle almost ominously.

Her nonchalant-but-not-really voice put him on edge. '' What is it?''

'' Just wanted to know how was going the trip up until now.'' was her answer.

'' Fine I suppose. I just left yesterday.'' he said, not in the mood to talk about that. He knew he was biased, as he had just spoken to Jace's voicemail earlier. But his sister always worried after him. he didn't want her to worry. The more Isabelle would be concerned, the closer she would try to be of him.

The closer she was from him, the more on the edge she stood and maybe she would fall and drown with him.

'' I know.'' Isabelle said as if she understood. Maybe she did as she didn't ask anything more.

Feeling bad for always pushing her out, he added. '' Just left Washington two hours ago. I'll be driving all day so nothing exciting coming up. Satisfied?''

'' Yes.'' his sister answered, the smile obvious in her tone.

Hearing that much lighter voice made him fell relieved, less tensed.

'' What about you? What are you up to?'' asked then Alec.

Isabelle hesitated a bit before answering. '' I'll be meeting with Clary and Simon today.''

Clary and Simon. Last time he saw them was... well, at the funerals two days ago. Still it felt like it has been weeks, months, years. Time was such a long thing and he was always waiting.

' _What am I hoping to achieve?'_ he asked himself.

Outside, the sun had rose since a while now. Under the blue, the grey road was unfolding and the scenery was just a blur. For a moment the only thing anchoring him was Isabelle's voice.

'' You know, you should call Clary.'' she said.

Alec took a deep breath to steady himself. '' Why?''

'' Because you and her were close to... him. It might help at least one of you guys. Tell each other how you feel and understand-.''

'' I never understand her, Iz. And how I feel is simple, I miss Jace.'' harshly interrupted Alec. He could feel the beginning of a headache and he was already exhausted.

'' You said Jace's name. You couldn't for the past week.'' noticed his sister.

'' I know. Magnus helped.'' he said and breathing got a bit easier again.

'' He did?'' Izzy said, sounding surprised. After a coupe of seconds spent in silence, she only let out a suspicious: '' Hmm.''

'' What?'' he asked with annoyance.

'' You must really like him if you listened to him. And he must really like you if he is putting up with your moping.'' the Lightwood girl observed, yet her words weren't well received.

'' I am not moping, I am sad. Can't I be sad?'' protested Alec with anger, as his hands clutched the wheel and his jaw tightened.

He knew he was a wreck and slightly on edge all the time, but his friend was d- ' _no, no, don't go there_ ' - was not there. He had the right to not be in the mood for smiles and laughter all the time. He was so tired, one could forgive that he saw Jace in every person that reminded him of him, right?

If only to see him once more...

Taking a deep breath, inhaling, exhaling, Alec tried to refrain all his thoughts. He needed a pause, a break. Couldn't his mind wait for him?

'' Of course you can. I am sorry.'' softly apologized Isabelle, and now Alec felt bad. She had the patience of an Angel and he was grateful for that. Bu this feeling was short-lived as his sister added on a mischievous tone. '' I am just happy you get along with that Magnus guy. You know, get along very well.''

'' Okay I am hanging up.'' decided Alec

'' Ah, but Alec! I want to know more about Mag-''

'' Talk to you later, bye.'' he interrupted, pressing on the red button.

'' Love yo-''barely had time to quip Isabelle before the communication got cut off.

Back to the silence of his car, for a second he let the smallest of smile paint his lips as he breathed out a: '' Love you too, Iz.''

Just then he heard shuffling besides him. Glancing at the passenger seat he saw Magnus was stirring from his slumber. So soon? Maybe he did well to hang up with his sister.

'Maybe he heard Izzy.' thought Alec with a bit of stress and embarrassment. His heartbeat was a bit faster and he was definitively warm in the face.

As soon as Magnus was siting straight, Alec had to ask. '' Did I wake you?''

'' What? Oh, nah, you didn't.'' said Magnus and Alec wasn't sure he trusted that. But then the other guy smiled and added. '' Good morning.''

'' Morning.'' sheepishly answered the blue-eyed young man. How come he could forget even the basic manners in Magnus' presence?Such turmoil inside, he most of the time didn't know what he was doing.

'' So, where are we now?'' continued the green-eyed one, unaware of Alec's uneasiness.

'' Just passed Harrisonburg in Virginia.'' told him Alec, remembering the last sign.

'' Do you mind if we stop for a coffee along the way?'' he said with a muffled yawn as he got his cellphone out.

'' Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.'' quickly answered the blue-eyed one. It was kind of early – for Magnus' standard - surely the other needed it. Anyway, it would be a good time for him to fuel the car.

'' Thanks.'' distractedly said Magnus, looking at his phone. After a while, he closed it with a sigh and turned back to the driver. '' So, what's up with Nashville.''

'' What?'' blinked Alec, as he had returned his focus on the road, not that highways were really complicated.

Raising his eyebrows in questioning, the green-eyed one elaborated. '' Nashville. Our next stop. Is there something on your list there or is it just a random stop toward your real next destination? It is a short-lived stop after all.''

'' No, there is something to do in Nashville.'' answered Alec, having caught on.

'' Well, colour me surprise, who knew there was something attention worthy in Nashville.'' shrugged his passenger.

'' Magnus, there is a tone of things to do in Nashville. It's the Music City, there are like many shows and festivals and Nashville's park area are some of the prettiest. They have-'' began Alec, but got interrupted by an amused Magnus.

'' Alexander.''

'' Yeah?'' he asked a bit more timidly. He didn't thought he would defend the city so much.

'' I was kidding.'' assured Magnus. '' Now tell me, what's up in Nashville for you?''

'' There is that restaurant, Pancake Pantry is its name. Going to eat breakfast there tomorrow.'' softly answered Alec, the list in his pocket feeling heavy and his stomach knotted. He had lost his hunger since a while and truthfully didn't want to go. But one had to do what one had to do...

'' Pancakes?'' continued Magnus, somehow incredibly intrigued by that.

Alec nodded slowly, not sure if he should elaborate more as it was quite obvious. '' Well yeah, the place is called Pancake Pantry. It's their specialty.''

'' Seriously?''

What was he asking? Seriously pancakes are their specialty or seriously Alec was going to go? Anyway, both question were answered by :

'' Yes?''

'' How… frivolous! After civil wars and weapons, pancakes?'' he exclaimed, seemingly pleased. '' Tell me the story behind this one. Is it one of those more for yourself or more for Jace?''

Something about Magnus' carefree joy was contagious and a bit more light-heatedly he answered. '' Hum, both I would say. There is that show 'Man vs Food', you know of it? The guy goes through America to taste every places' specialties and over eat.''

The green-eyed one asked in a tone that suggested he knew the answer: '' Did that place had the best pancakes?''

'' Yep. So Jace and I made it our mission to one day go and judge by ourselves.'' Alec paused before softly adding: '' He is a really good cook Jace. Better than I for sue.''

'' Still, you must be faring quite well yourself, considering you are a chemistry student.'' said Magnus, reorienting the conversation a bit.

Alec was conscious and grateful for that. '' Actually, not really. I stick too much to the recipes like a good chem tech. So I basically have no instinct and can't even bake a pie.''

'' Well it makes us two, I am doing okay in a kitchen too. It's not that I don't have instinct or experience, just not the time to take my time and cook.'' stated the other.

'' Yeah, there's that too.'' admired Alec. Talking with Magnus made things so much easier, and an idea crossed his mind. Acting upon it, he asked his passenger: '' Hey, do you… Would you like to come with me? Tomorrow? At the breakfast restaurant I mean.''

Seeing Magnus' genuine look of surprise and the small twinges of happiness crossing his features, he knew he made the right decision and that it would make his task much easier to do than if alone.

'' Isn't the things on your list a private moment for you and Jace?'' asked the green-eyed young man. '' Don't get me wrong, I would like to come, but I don't want to ruin your thing.''

'' You wouldn't ruin it. I... don't think Jace would mind. Anyway we already accomplished one of the bucket list's task together.'' tried to convince him Alec.

'' We did?'' he frowned, then realized. '' Oh, the Royal Diner. You guys really were fan of 'Bones'.''

The Lightwood boy nodded in affirmation. Biting his bottom lip in nervousness, he waited for Magnus to answer. His eyes on the road, he couldn't see the emotion passing on his companion's features, but he heard with relief the smile when he answered: '' Then I would be honoured to accompany you Alexander.''

'' Alec.'' he reminded him.

'' Pardon?''

'' My friends usually call me Alec.'' precised Alec.

'' Oh yeah, you said that yesterday, Alec. But I really like the name Alexander and might stick to it sometimes.'' winked Magnus, which made Alec blush again.

Why was he so flustered all the time? Sure he recognized a crush when he had one, but still. It wasn't the plan. The plan was to do some of the things Jace and him wanted to do, and crushing on some stranger would just complicate things. His heart didn't need more complicated. Furthermore, the guy had a girlfriend right now, and seemed so much more experienced and confident and all.

He wasn't ready for that.

No, Magnus was definitively not part of the plan.

'' You know, it's funny how we never dare try the unknown at first.'' stated Magnus, startling Alec out of his thoughts.

' _Did I speak out loud?'_ wondered the blue-eyed one, afraid that he did. So he asked: '' W-what?''

'' That CD. Twice now it caught my attention – yesterday and right now – and because I don't know of it, I have that tendencies to discard it and search for the artists I know. Funny how we search familiarity everywhere, right?'' explained Magnus, showing Alec's CD that he had again taken and checked.

It was with incredible relief that Alec breathed a non-committing way: '' Yeah.''

'' You know what, I think I am going to try something new today. Of those three obviously legally acquired CD, which do you recommend.'' said Magnus with a grin, showing his three choices.

With one glance, Alec answered. '' The one in the middle. If you don't want to stray too much from the popular songs, they are all covers that I most of the time appreciate more than the original.'' Then, slightly indignant, he couldn't help but add: '' I'll let you know that I have bought all those tracks, it's just I never really like albums, only selective songs, so I made CD with my favourite tracks.''

Soon after, they finally reached a stop area so Magnus could have his morning coffee and the car fuelled. Waiting for Magnus outside, leaning on his car for a moment, Alec closed his eyes and turned his face up toward the sky. More in the south than in New York, the air was warm albeit the cool spring air.

' _What are you doing here, Lightwood? Why aren't you with your family?'_ he asked himself and closed his eyes harder. _'I_ _just want to be left alone._ _'_

' _Oh but you are alone. Jace should be here with you.'_

Footsteps interrupted him and he quickly snapped his attention back to reality. Surprising him, it seemed that Magnus had brought him a little something.

'' Here.'' He said to Alec, grinning and presenting a brown paper bag.

'' What is it?'' frowned the blue-eyed one, unsure.

'' Blueberry muffin.'' declared Magnus as he entered the car. '' I am pretty sure you haven't eaten anything so indulge me and eat the muffin. You don't have anything against blueberries right?''

The driver was going to start the engine, but paused hearing that. '' No, I love blueberries.'' assured Alec, his throat clenching. True, he wasn't really hungry and skipped breakfast, but the shear thought that someone had thought of him was... kind and touching. '' Thank you.''

Apparently, once Magnus entered his life, he was hard to forget. Alec thought back at his plan. Maybe Magnus could be planned. Maybe he could plan his emotions and stopped being surprised by everything. Maybe company would do him good...

'' You can come to most of them. The activities on my list, if you want to.'' said Alec, before nibbling at the muffin. It was much more efficient that way, asking one time for all of his tasks instead of each and single one of them. He didn't know if he would have the courage every time to do that.

Magnus glanced at him, a smile already on his lips. '' Do you actually want me to come?''

The blue-eyed one nodded vehemently. ''Yeah, well if you want. Maybe you have other things more important and maybe you just don't want to some so-''

'' Of course I'll come to all of them.'' interrupted Magnus with assurance.

'' All of them? Don't you want to know before agreeing to something like that?'' skeptically asked Alec, the _Winslow, Arizona_ 's task in mind.

'' Where is surprise and spontaneity in that?'' was the answer Magnus gave.

'' Suits yourself.'' agreed the blue-eyed, shrugging.

They rolled in silence after ward and Alec had to admit he felt a little bit comfortable in it. Focusing on the road though the landscape was mainly plains and towns - listening to the music – a CD he knew by heart, but he was pleased that Magnus seemed to enjoy it too - and stealing glances toward his passenger – whom or didn't mind, or didn't notice, but the first option was the most likely - he felt like he was waiting with purpose. He was actually looking forward Nashville.

'' I recognize that song, but not the language. Is that the... French version of 'Pretty Woman'?'' suddenly asked Magnus at one point.

'' Yes it is.'' answered Alec. '' I like French, my mother used to sing French lullabies to my siblings and I.''

His passenger seemed surprised for a moment. '' Alexander, I want to ask so many questions with that one sentence. ''

'' Hum, okay?'' confusedly agreed the blue-eyed, unsure of that.

'' You have other siblings?'' started Magnus.

An easy question, good.

'' Yes, Isabelle and Max are my blood brother and sister. Jace got adopted two years ago.'' he said with fondness, his sister's call from this morning coming back at him.

'' And your mother is French?'' continued Magnus.

'' Oh no, she speaks it, but she is not. She taught me though, when she saw I was interested.'' he said with a bit of pride.

'' You speak French?''

'' Depuis que je suis jeune.'' he affirmed, but from the half-amused, half confused glance he received, Magnus must have not understood him.

Still, taking back his confident stance, he said:'' Yes, of course.''

'' Did you just agree to whatever I said without even knowing what I said?'' asked Alec, eyebrows quirked up.

'' Maybe.'' answered Magnus, turning on his left side toward the driver. His eyes were shining mischief when he asked: '' So, what did you say?''

'' 'Ever since I am young'. '' translated the Lightwood boy and he felt like the answer was almost too safe and traditional for Magnus.

But the latter beamed. '' Say something else.''

' _What could I say?'_ asked himself Alec before he blurted to him exactly that. '' Qu'est-ce que je pourrais dire?''

Sending a quick look at his cellphone, the green-eyed guy said: '' Hmm, I like French. My girlfriend is from France.''

' _Oh, really?_ ' he thought with bitterness, but then chastised himself. _'_ _Don't go there...'_. Trying to distract himself and in the hope to learn a bit more about the man beside him, he asked : '' You speak other languages?''

With too much confidence, Magnus answered: '' Spanish at an high school level.'' When he only received an unimpressed nod as an answer, he added: '' At a straight-A high school student level even! And I went to Peru once. Had no problem flirting there.''

It confused Alec greatly how he felt toward that. Glad to know more about Magnus, but feeling like he shouldn't really like what he was learning, yet still wanting to know more. So instead he chose not to deal with that, but simply nod again.

Silence engulfed them again, but this time Alec was nervous. From the corner of his eyes he could see the shape of Magnus turned toward him, as if waiting for him to say something. It was unnerving, was there a cue to something he missed?

But then when he glanced at him, the sharp edge of his slight anxiety became a soft bubble of fondness. Magnus had fallen asleep, lulled by the car and the soon midday sun.

Alec continued to drive, lowering the sound of the music. The road from Virginia to Tennessee was not the most exciting, a almost straight line the whole way, and the blue-eyed young man could only keep his mind focused on the road for an hour.

Soon, silvers of guilt brought a cold feeling in him. Fondness had been such a warm feeling, he shouldn't feel so easily something so amiable. It wasn't fair toward Jace, right? The silvers darkened at that thought, as so many things weren't far toward Jace.

' _What are you doing here?_ '

Alec would drown under the voices of his own mind.

' _What are you doing here alone?_ '

Unable to quell them.

' _Where is Jace?_ '

Even the highway was desert.

' _How come you have never done this before, when it wasn't too late for him?'_

His thoughts, it was as if they were on repeat.

' _How come you haven't done this before?'_

Unable to concentrate, Alec pulled over, stopping the car.

' _What were you waiting for?'_

He was doing this for Jace. He was trying. He just wanted to honour his friend.

' _It's too late now.'_

When Alec was talking with Magnus, he felt something close to serenity; his heart much lighter. He could smile, he could think, he could almost be himself. But that was only in the presence of Magnus, and probably due to his infatuation of him.

Alone he was back to his lethargic self. That side that couldn't sleep, that couldn't eat. The side of him that not only couldn't but wouldn't.

That was hardly what he would call progress.

' _What am I doing here?_ ' thought again Alec, putting his head on the wheel over his hands.

Nothing made sense anymore.

'' Why have we stopped?'' softly said a voice beside him.

'' Magnus.'' whispered Alec, but his voice was muffled and barely audible. He felt pressure behind his eyes and his headache returned with strength.

But no, he wouldn't shed any tears anymore. He had decided that he would keep it all inside until he reached Winslow in a few days. Yet holding the tears inside made his body shake with the need to express its distress.

Witnessing this, the green-eyed one reached for his shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. '' You alright? Hey, no, come here. ''.

Feeling guilty for making him worry, Alec didn't how to react. '' I am sorry, I am so sorry.''

'' Jace?'' guessed Magnus.

Alec nodded. '' It feels wrong to be here without him. I wish to call him, I...'' he began, but he was just so lost.

'' Hey, hey I am here. Talk to me. Tell me something happy about him.'' requested the passenger still reassuringly.

Alec nodded again calming himself for a couple of minutes – simply breathing - and trying to think of something happy. It relaxed him enough for him to judge that he could drive safely again. Starting up the car he began with:

'' You know, when I came out to him, it was in a pool.''

* * *

Swimming was good.

Swimming made him move.

Swimming cleared his mind of the uncertainty of where his friendship with Jace stood.

One series of crawl for the weeks - almost two months - since Jace and him had truly done something together – like friends do – or talked together – like friends do – or even study together – like friends or simply co-students at university do.

Another series for that Clary – Jace's girlfriend- that kept his friend busy all the time.

One more for also being grateful to her for distracting Jace.

Ever since long ago, Alec had well managed to hide his sexuality to everyone. Except Isabelle. But now, the eldest Lightwood had thought about coming out to his friend. He felt sick always hiding himself, and now that he was out of that hell of an high school and that gay marriage was recognized in the whole country, Alec was feeling less and less marginalized. He felt like he had a right to like whoever he wanted. But it was such a scary thing to admit, after years of denial...

' _And what if I lose everything?_ ' thought a petty voice in Alec's head and he accelerated his movements.

Maybe Jace growing distant was a good timing after all. Distracted with Clary, Jace wouldn't notice too much the distance between them. It happened, friends getting separated only because of the flow of life and the daily schedules that just didn't match anymore. Alec and Jace wouldn't be the first couple of friends to whom it happened.

It would be okay...

But damn it, he would be lying to himself if he said that. Getting away from Jace was exactly what he wanted to avoid by not telling him about his sexuality. Searching on the internet, he read so many stories of friends not understanding and leaving. Sure, all those people said that it was for the best, they didn't need those people in their lives, they made new friends, etc.

' _It still hu_ _r_ _ts._ ' thought Alec, gripping the ledge of the pool. He hadn't notice how long he had been swimming, but judging by his rapid breathing, it must have been a while.

Call it intuition or a glimpse from the corner of the eye, but sensing that someone else was here – the pool was empty and he had been alone for a while. Alec raised his eyes to see who it was. His blood ran cold and his heart skipped a beat from the fright he received upon meeting familiar golden eyes.

' _Jace_ '

'' You know, it's been like'' started Jace, rising his eyes to the clock on the wall '' 15 minutes that I am here waiting for you. What kind of irregular training were you doing anyway?''

'' What are you doing here?''

'' I am pretty sure it is a public pool. Though Thursday evenings don't look like the most popular time.'' shrugged the blond. '' Anyway I wanted to see you. It fells like forever since the last time we just hung here together.''

'' Oh now you noticed.'' mumbled Alec, sinking himself more in the water as if to hide himself.

'' What does that mean?'' frowned Jace, sitting closer to the edge.

'' Nothing.'' sighed the blue-eyed one, but the other wouldn't let go.

'' No, what does that mean? You think that I should have noticed sooner that we don't swim here together anymore? Alec, it's just a pool, we do other things-'' said indignantly Jace, which caused Alec to furiously interrupt him.

'' No, we don't. That's the problem, we don't see each other anymore.'' he exclaimed before shutting up, blushing.

Jace paused. '' You're right.''

That affirmation encouraged Alec's fire. '' Ever since you are with'' he gulped back the 'that girl' he was going to say. He already fought with Jace on that subject before, so he quickly changed idea. '' Clary, we don't see each other anymore. You are never at home and you never text me anymore.',

'' I know I have been busy, but you haven't talked to me neither.'' stated the blond golden eyed boy. The weakness of his voice made Alec regret his accusation and want to brush it off with a 'I am sorry'. Yet the truth of his words was a painful reminder of why he was doing that.

'' I didn't want to lose you.'' whispered Alec in a tentative to defend himself, crossing his arms in front of him. He was feeling warmer and not at ease at all.

'' You didn't want to lose me? So what? You decided that avoiding me was the best way?'' questioned Jace confused and slightly hurt.

What right did he have to be hurt? '' It's not that simple, Jace.''

'' Then what's up? I feel like I have done something wrong and don't even know it.'' exclaimed his friend, pinching the bridge of his nose.

'' Not everything is about you.''

'' Then what is it? What is making you so defensive when you see me? What could make you feel like you'll 'lose me' or something?'' continued to question Jace, pushing to know more, which caused the blue-eyed to snap.

'' I am gay, Jace. That's what I have been wanting to tell you but couldn't, that's what's up with me.'' exclaimed Alec, his voice echoing in the room.

Blue and gold met for a minute, one worried the other unreadable. A couple of seconds only passed, but they ate all of the eldest Lightwood's patience.

'' Oh of course, the ever eloquent Jace doesn't have anything to say now, huh?'' bitterly muttered Alec. '' Listen, it took me 18 years to accept it, I really can't expect you to accept it immediately, I understand. But if you really can't accept... me... Well, well I won't bother you, I promise, it will be like we don't k-know each other.'' finally let out in defeat the blue-eyed one to a still silent Jace. Deciding that his silence was just too much, Alec dove back in the water, kicking the wall of the pool and resuming his training.

Swimming was good.

Swimming made him move.

Swimming cleared his mind of the uncertainty of where his friendship with Jace stood.

He couldn't believe he had come out to Jace and was still in that terrible uneasy place. Unsure if he should be heartbroken or relieved. Was he happy or not?

Piercing the water with his arms, he shoved it away as if it was his self-doubting. He was swimming as fast with as strong movements as possible, like he was fleeing an unknown creature lurking. If he fell prey to that creature, its clutches would only sink him deeper in the insecurity, drowning him. He felt so vulnerable right now.

'Just keep swimming.' he told himself, ignoring the burning feeling in his lungs.

He wished he was strong enough to just walk away with confidence if his best-friend couldn't accept him. But the blue-eyed young man knew better. He needed Jace's acceptance, and Alec's heart sank at the idea of not getting it. Maybe. The uncertainty another weight over him, drowning him...

Just then, a real weight fell on him, sinking him into the depth of the pool.

Twisting himself around in the water, he saw a fully-clothed Jace. The guy must have jumped on him. What was that sick bastard thinking? Did he want to drown him?

Thinking only of reaching the surface, Alec struggled to get away and swim back up. His blond friend seemed to have another idea in mind. Grabbing him, he dragged him toward the shallow part, allowing them both to break the surface and breathe.

'' What are you thinking? You know as much as I that that was dangerous. What, do you want to kill me?'' immediately exclaimed Alec with indignation, snatching his arm from his friend's grip. His heart was racing with both fear of what Jace had meant to do and the jump scare the latter caused him.

'' Is it true?'' simply asked Jace, his voice low echoing quite loudly. His eyes were steady on Alec, locked with his blue eyes. They seemed dead serious and almost unpleased.

'' What, that I am gay? Yes, Jace, it is.'' hissed Alec,, biting his bottom lips nervously.

'Does he think it is a joke?' thought the Lightwood boy, slightly insulted and hurt. Couldn't his friend see his inner struggle?

'' No, not that.'' said the blond, shaking his wet hair out of his face behind him. '' Is it true that you only just now started to accept yourself?''

Surprised, Alec only nodded his confirmation.

The answer caused Jace to choke off a swear. '' Alec... Why didn't you come for me before?'' he softly asked, taking a step toward Alec.

The latter refrained the anger flaring up in him. '' Why didn't I..? Because I didn't know if you would be okay with this, with me. I still don't know if you are. Okay, I mean, with you know.''

'' You don't know if I..? Of course I am okay with you, whoever the hell you like.'' angrily stated Jace, and Alec wasn't sure why he was angry. But the blond marked a pause, calming himself, tension leaving his shoulders, before he spoke again. '' I don't care if you are homosexual, bisexual, or... I-don't-know sexual, you are still Alec. You are still my friend.''

'' Then why are you so angry?'' asked Alec, still unsure.

His friend's golden eyes were shining with fire as he pushed back his wet hair, his clothes clinging on him. '' It's the part that it took you so long being okay with it that I am angry with. Damn it, you have the right to be happy and just the fact you were scared and didn't feel entitled to be, I... I feel angry because I am a failure of a friend. I am angry because I am powerless and I hate this. How can I help you Alec?'' asked Jace, almost pleading.

Alec felt lost at words, not knowing what to do again. Looking at the drenched boy in front of him, taking in his word, he wondered how he could have doubt him so much. Relief flooded within him and it never been easier to just be here in the present.

Friendship with Jace was such a simple and complete thing, how could he have forgotten?

'' Thank you.'' said Alec with honesty, meeting Jace's eyes. He didn't really answer the latter's question, but he truthfully couldn't. Maybe all he needed was for Jace to keep being Jace.

His friend looked defeated for a moment and just as Alec feared they would be awkward toward each other now, the trademark smirk of the blond returned on his features.

'' Actually, what I really wanted when I came to find you here was to see if you wanted us to take position of the basement at home and have a Mexican bro night. What you say?'' asked Jace with the strange mixture of hope and confidence.

'' Shrimp and mango quesadillas, right?'' smiled Alec knowingly.

'' Are there any other kind?'' asked back Jace, eyebrows quirked up in an exaggerated questioning expression as if there wasn't any other kind. In a sense, for them there wasn't. '' So you are in?''

The blue-eyed one nodded, but then frowned.'' No Clary, right? Only the two of us?''

'' Yeah, I don't think I'll contact her anyway.'' declared Jace, shrugging.

That was odd. '' Why?''asked Alec.

'' I think I ruined my phone jumping in the water.'' said the blonde, taking out from his jean's pocket the small device in question.

It would be a miracle if water didn't do anything major to it, considering it was soaked.

'' You are an idiot.'' sighed in half-exasperation, half-amusement the blue-eyed one.

'' And because I am an idiot, you'll have to pay.'' laughed Jace, also getting from his pocket his wallet. The money inside was a dissolved mess.

The evening did end on shrimp-mango quesadillas bought by Alec, cooked by Jace and in the background some random movies.

* * *

They arrived in Nashville, it was 6 pm. They headed straight to the hotel Alec had a room at and Magnus found vacancy there. Fancier than the motel in Washington, the blue-eyed young man saw there was a pool here. He always loved swimming.

Climbing up the stairs they stopped at Magnus' floor, as Alec was two floors higher.

'' At what time we meet in the lobby tomorrow?'' asked Magnus with a secretive smile and a wink.

'' 6 am.'' answered back Alec. He smiled a bit at the flash of despair that crossed Magnus features. '' Still want to come with me?'' he asked, hiding his fear that he changed idea.

The green-eyed one nodded a sly smile on his lips. '' Oh yes, of course I will. So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning.'' Then Magnus raised his hand for Alec to shake, which he did. What the latter didn't expect was to be puled in a hug. '' You are a challenge, Alexander, but I am no quitter.'' was whispered in his ears sending a furious blush on his cheeks.

Before Alec could answer, Magnus let him go. He turned around and left, waving a 'bye' from behind.

' _What... what just happened?'_ asked himself the stunned flustered young man.

Rushing the few stairs that separated him from his room, Alec then slumped on his bed. Lying on his back, he stared at the ceiling for a long while, confused by the mess of emotions locked inside him.

Unconsciously, he reached for his cellphone and pressed the speed dial button. Sitting up, the automatic voice he heard snapped him back to reality more quickly then anything.

'' _The number you have reached is no longer in service._ ''

' _It's real, Jace is dead. He is disappearing. Magnus has a girlfriend. He was flirting with me, right? All the evidence Jace existed are disappearing. I cant fall for Magnus. I don't know, I don't know...'_

Grabbing his head in his hand, there was only one thing Alec wanted: for the thoughts to leave him alone.

He needed to go swim.


End file.
